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Nothing says Christmas like chewing through a buzz potato the absolute arrangement of a bunion, sitting beside a acclaim bathed alcoholic aloft a carpeting that looks like a bark condition, with Eastenders arena in the background.

And if you can’t aggregation such a arena from the vaults of your own ancestors animosity then, abhorrence not: Wetherspoons is here. That’s right, Wetherspoons. The no-frills, no-music, no-need-to-wash pub alternation that defines Great British drinking. The home of Thursday’s Back-scratch Club, Wednesday’s Craven Club, and the august attitude of a fry up and pint for beneath than £4.99.

And they do a Christmas Menu. I mean, of advance they do.

As I absolved home accomplished the aerial burden sodium afterglow of my bounded Wetherspoons (Baxter’s Court in East London, for those of you befitting notes), I aboriginal noticed the poster: Accept your Christmas at Wetherspoons? Try and fucking stop me, pal.

But could I, a bald anatomical woman, an comestible aqueduct with an iPhone, a salt-fingered babe of Eve, actually do the unthinkable? Could I eat the absolute Wetherspoons Christmas card in one sitting? Three starters, two mains, two puddings? To go, as PG Wodehouse would say, “from soup to nuts” at a mahoganish-varnish table beside a man in a high-vis belong and three chain-vaping secretaries from a bounded accountant accountant?

My friends, the gauntlet had been befuddled down. And I, as the King’s Champion, was accessible to booty it up and run.

For a bit of a treat, I absitively to undertake this gravy-stained claiming at The Coronet—an enormous, vault-like Wetherspoons on the Holloway Road that was already a bingo anteroom and is now the home to some of North London’s best colourful drunks. You can still aftertaste the aroma of panic.

Behind the bar, a woman with beard the colour and arrangement of a Cheese Cord was cutting a Bella Italia name badge. (Because sure, why not. It’s all food, isn’t it? They’re all places.) She had aloof taken 23 annual to accomplish a cup of coffee for the tiny, all-muscle-and-nicotine woman continuing beside me, who was shouting to anyone who’d accept that “you wouldn’t get this” in her pub, while affairs at the close of her azure jumper until it was comatose about about her armpit. I ordered a tiny canteen of Prosecco-for-one and asked about the Christmas Booking I fabricated over the buzz earlier.

A leash of Wetherpoons Christmas starters. All photos by the author.oooon oooneee

That’s right. You heard. I actually rang a Wetherspoons and appointed a table. I didn’t alike apperceive you could book a table at a Wetherspoons. They additionally fabricated me adjustment my absolute meal, from starters to puddings, appropriate there on the phone, ten hours afore eating. It acquainted like calling an Addison Lee auto to ask them to drive too fast through a dabble and absorb you with amber artery piss alfresco London Bridge base in seven hours time.

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Well, the table was amazing. Planted aloof a few anxiety abroad from the blaze avenue abaft which I could see they abundance the boxes of microwaveable Christmas puddings, it was busy with amethyst polyester paper, a apart braid tablecloth covered in gold stars, and a gold glassy trim active bottomward the average like a Travelodge bed. Addition had strung a distinct fiber of dejected bogie lights over the bannister beside me. Bodies were actually axis to look. I acquainted like I had aloof abiding to lose my virginity in the antechamber of a alternation station.

Sadly, admitting my ten-hour buzz admonishing (presidents accept gone to war with beneath notice), it angry out that no aliment had actually been ordered and that I had to go up to the bar and ask for it. Not that I absent too much—after all, there was an Irish man the admeasurement of a dumpling over there who was abnegation to pay because his beer had a 1.5 centimetre-head and he wasn’t “going to pay for yer air, like some prick.” Not to acknowledgment the two men in agleam atramentous apparel jostling amateur like two teenagers atrocious to besom easily adjoin anniversary others’ genitals, talking audibly about “Being on one. Being ” as they ordered two pints of John Smith’s.

Talking of John Smith’s, aback I got aback to my table—another miniature canteen of Prosecco in my hand—I noticed that the man beside me was scrolling through his iPhone with a deride flick bigger than addition spinning the punch on a coffer safe. Additionally bubbler a pint of John Smith’s, he was tucking into a basin of craven curry. By this point I was so athirst (I’d skipped cafeteria to leave allowance for an absolute Christmas menu) that the eau de Back-scratch Club about fabricated me access into tears all over my gold tablecloth.

As I absolved home accomplished the aerial burden sodium afterglow of my bounded Wetherspoons, I aboriginal noticed the poster: Accept your Christmas at Wetherspoons? Try and fucking stop me, pal.

Luckily my waiter—a man so razzed up on adrenaline, adulation for his job, or bumps of cocaine off the laminated airheaded that he was about breach dancing amid tables—finally brought me my starters. All three of them.

My God.

There was a pâté the colour of a prosthetic leg that tasted not clashing dog food. The amazon soup was actually absolutely a basin of burnt passata served with bisected a white baguette. This leash was accomplished with a smoked apricot bloom that was adorable but additionally abundantly resembled a Boots Meal Deal with the aliment taken out.

I couldn’t actually accept it. I adulation Wetherspoons. Honestly, I’ve had some of my best commons sitting in the bashful dining breadth of that alternation pub. And I, like all right-thinking Brits, adulation a pub roast. But commodity was activity actively afield here. I slid up to the bar to adjustment addition canteen of Prosecco (by this point I was because aloof accepting a litre-sized canteen and extenuative myself the trip) as a tiny boy on a scooter flew beyond the carpet, landing in a channelled abundance at the anxiety of some Polish students.

Tomato soup with baguette.

Maybe things would get bigger with the mains, I thought. Things had to get bigger with the mains.

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As I waited for my order, I asked the woman abaft the bar what it was like alive at Wetherspoons over Christmas. Would she be accomplishing a about-face on the absolute day?

“I achievement not,” she said, her face almost moving, as she angry to bang an abandoned bottle tray aback into the dishwasher.

I approved again. “What array of bodies do you get in over Christmas?”

She looked at me and smiled: “We get everyone, darling.” And at that moment, a man cutting a covering cowboy hat and jewelled jeans absolved accomplished me accustomed annihilation but an astronomic bag of Doritos.

To awning all the bases, I’d ordered both a acceptable turkey banquet and the vegetarian option. While my starters had been adequately bushing (possibly on annual of application my half-baguettes as a beanery with which to eat the soup and salad), I was still ravenous.

The byword “all the trimmings” didn’t actually bound into my arch as I looked bottomward at the basin of peas, potatoes, carrots, and a Yorkshire pudding the admeasurement and bendability of a contraceptive diaphragm.

Two Christmas dinners would be fine. Not alike a thing.

And, to some extent, I was right. The byword “all the trimmings” didn’t actually bound into my arch as I looked bottomward at the basin of peas, potatoes, carrots, and a Yorkshire pudding the admeasurement and bendability of a contraceptive diaphragm.

The vegetarian capital came with a cheese and augment pie that was, after doubt, the best affair on the absolute menu. Oh sure, it had apparently been microwaved to the point of near-nuclear radiation, but it was abominable and buttery and sometimes that’s all that counts.

The turkey advantage came with, well, a few slices of turkey. No stuffing, no-pigs-in-blankets, no cranberry sauce. They had done a rather chic ambush by which anniversary buzz potato was a hardly altered bendability and, as we know, it’s consistently nice to accept a agglomeration of mashed potato to “dip” your buzz potatoes into.

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But hot, agleam Christmas aliment this was not.

Christmas pudding with custard.

By this point, I’d been sitting in Wetherspoons for about two hours. I’d watched Pointless, Eastenders, and the news—all silently arrant from abaft the bar. I’d watched a man in the bend apprehend an absolute affiliate of his book while bubbler a cup of coffee. I’d apparent a woman in an absolute salwar kameez adjustment off the Back-scratch Club menu. I’d stared at the wine and terracotta carpeting with apple-green swirls that would accept accustomed William Morris a anguish boner. I’d apparent a accumulation of academics from the adjacent London Metropolitan University somehow sit alongside on their chairs while discussing BBC Four. I’d wondered, after success, why there was a ample cord of aflame pears beyond one window.

In short, I was drunk, my abdomen was full, and yet I was about as annoyed as a 14-year-old babe accepting inexpertly fingered in advanced of a Big Bang Theory repeat.

Still, at atomic there was pudding. I’d gone a little agrarian and ordered the Christmas pudding with custard and commodity alleged a “Christmas Bar.” But, as my aide brought it over, he either said “That’s all we’ve got” or “Here’s what you got.”

I wasn’t actually sure. But I did apperceive that this was alone one pudding. I will conceivably go to my grave not alive what a Christmas Bar actually is. It’s a cede I’m accommodating to take.

Three hours and £26.21 (not including drinks) later, I was bored, irritable, had gravy anointed up my sleeve, was ailing of the complete of added people’s eating, bare a piss, capital to disengage my trousers, had spent too continued attractive at a television amidst by tinsel, and acquainted a little queasy.

In added words, it had been an actually archetypal Christmas Banquet in every respect.

Oh sure, the role of my mother had been played by a tiny agreeable feudatory in an acrylic azure jumper, the allotment of “grandfather” had been taken up by an old man in blah slacks who didn’t accept the abstraction of foam, and my ancestors had been replaced by beastly accouchement on scooters. But, in its actual essence, this was ancestors Christmas.

And, I suppose, that’s what Wetherspoons is for. It’s a home from home. It’s your ancestors after the claret ties. It’s your advanced allowance with bulk-bought air fresheners. The aliment may be disgusting, the carpeting questionable, and the aggregation dreadful. But, my friends, that is absolutely what we deserve.

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Merry Christmas.

This commodity originally appeared on MUNCHIES in December 2015.

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