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I accept so abounding questions about “Floribama Shore” (SO MANY) and I can’t acquaint if it’s because I’m earlier than these maniacs or if it’s because I was aloft in a altered socioeconomic chic than most, if not all, of them (and in the complete North of Norths), or if it’s because I’m a aloof a jerk and a snob.

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I don’t necessarily appetite to be a jerk and a snob, but I’m not abiding what the addition is actuality and I’m so abutting to accepting that this is aloof who I am.

Each new adventure has me wince-watching and chastising myself for cerebration things like “But if they would aloof apprehend a book maybe they wouldn’t be so agitated …” or “Don’t await on actuality a angel goddess bogie bays wife! That won’t end able-bodied for you, Aimee!”

At atomic two bodies on the appearance accept been homeless. I doubtable bisected of them grew up beneath the abjection line. And I’m not abiding about the high-school belief situation.

“Jersey Shore” — alike admitting yeah, those guys weren’t actually Rhodes Scholars — acquainted like it had some boundaries … some.

You could acquaint the casting were aloft by complete parents, anyway.

There were standards.

I don’t know.

It aloof acquainted beneath sad than “Floribama Shore” and added like a admiring apology of a subculture, not a dead-serious depiction, like the Bodies of Walmart page.

You could beam with the “Jersey Shore” casting and not aloof at them because no amount what abandoned or antic affair happened on the screen, it acquainted like they were all activity to be aloof accomplished afterwards the appearance concluded — alike The Situation, who was consistently destined for tax problems, acclaim or no fame.

Maybe I’m actuality anytime cornball for Snooki, Pauly D and the blow of that alluring crew, but dollar abstract night and fights over craven wouldn’t accept acquainted so alarming and hopeless on their show.

I don’t bethink attractive at any of them — not alike alarming Angelina — and cerebration “I achievement you accept accession in your activity who loves you and who checks in on you to accomplish abiding you’re animate and healthy.”

Reality shows are declared to be entertaining, and not accomplish us appetite to alpha scholarship funds and Christmas present drives for the cast.

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Although, OK … I’m actuality too harsh.

“Floribama Shore” is still complete entertaining.

Never in my activity accept teasers larboard me attractive advanced to aliment contagion before.

But still, I accept questions.

I’ll get to those.

Here’s area we angle with the Panama City Bank roommates, some of whom ability still accept that taco soup-related diarrhea …

▪  OK. Catechism one: What the heck does “salty” alike mean? I anticipation it was like bad emphasis or affronted behavior. But the way Nilsa uses the word, that would accomplish no sense. “If I was acrid why was I calling my ex-husband?” No really. I puzzled over this one for a while. So you don’t alarm your ex-husband back you’re upset? Ever? Aloof back you’re not upset? To the point that calling him is complete affidavit that you didn’t accept an attitude with Codi?

▪  Back Kayla Jo alleged Nilsa a adolescent and afresh was like “Aimee? Aimee’s a allotment of this now?,” I was like amuse don’t accomplish me accept to accumulate clue of you, too, Kayla Jo. You don’t apperceive how Aimee is. We apperceive Aimee is and yeah, of advance she’s allotment of this and she’s allotment of it in a spaghetti-strap shirt that makes her bellybutton attending like a brilliant died and afresh bankrupt in on itself. You don’t alive there, girl. There are already too abounding attached who complete the aforementioned both in emphasis and chat content.

▪  Catechism two: Did it actually booty until adventure three for a acquaintance to alpha ruining the jacuzzi with their love-strangers? Impressive. Nice work, Gus. I knew it would be you to breach that affair in.

▪  Again, Nilsa did not misunderstand you, Kayla Jo. In no apple does the “I’m watching you” arresting beggarly annihilation added than “Don’t footfall out of band because I will see back you do and accord with it in a way that will accomplish you accept to get tattoos of added facial appearance in accession to those eyebrows.” Does anyone actually accept Kayla Jo was aggravating to alarm Nilsa hot? Please. She’s aloof a big craven wiccan.

▪  Catechism three: Why was there a behemothic canteen of Gold Bond Medicated Body Powder with Triple Action Relief on the coffee table abutting to a couch-sleeping Kirk? It’s brainless for me to admiration this, but alone bloom and adorableness routines leave me curious. Aboriginal of all, whose was it? Second, was it for chafing? Easier sliding adjoin addition beastly being? Was it to awning a smell? Is it a shoe thing? Is someone’s grandma visiting?

▪  I actually appetite to skip this allotment but I can’t: Nilsa angled a couch (like an animal) afresh she absurd an “aught-optsy” on her genitalia, which would acknowledge that (post-mortem, one assumes) it was still, as it was in life, fabricated of steel. And, oh, she additionally absitively that no one loves her because she’s not 30 and her base is not collapsed like Kayla Jo’s. So OK … what … why … I assumption my catechism (No. 4) is how did you get a animate vagina? I anticipation we had to acceptation animate from China these canicule and that’s why politically everyone’s consistently affronted but contemplative and adage things like “Remember back Americans acclimated to accomplish things?”

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▪  Gus. Gus. Gus. He makes no sense. He and his twinsie, Kirk, allocution about how austere they actually are (which, sure). And he tries to appear off as a gentleman. I guess. But afresh he refers to the girls in the abode as “disrespectful little bitches.” I mean, yeah. OK. They are. I can see that. But you’re not accustomed to alarm them that, Gus. Women don’t abide to eat craven wings, acknowledge you for those craven wings and afresh amusement you after because those craven wings were terrific.

▪  Kayla Jo is a wiccan, which I accept is the affliction affair you could acquaint a homeschooler about yourself. I’m afraid Jeremiah didn’t blow “Harry Potter” in a British articulation and afresh alarm his mom-teacher and buzz into the buzz “What you told me ability appear if I went on an MTV absoluteness appearance JUST DID. There is a witch in the building! What do I do? Mama, I’m scared.”

▪  Codi snores like a pug and pukes like a high-school babe … that poor kid. It’s all affectionate of cute, of course, but so far his adventure band is: “This pinkish noise-maker is actuality too.”

▪  Wait. Is no one cogent Nilsa about the wiccan thing? Seriously? Was that not the aboriginal adjustment of business???

▪  Catechism five: Why was Kayla Jo calling Kirk “Derique”? That was affectionate of racist, right? Also, why am I talking about Kayla Jo?

▪  THEY HAD SPINACH IN THAT HOUSE! THIS WHOLE TIME? A REAL VEGETABLE?

▪  Kortni, amuse attending at Candace’s blush onesie pajamas. Apprehension how there’s no beastly hood? Now apprehension Candace’s age. Now apprehension how chic Candace is compared with the blow of you. Now attending bottomward at what you’re wearing. Does it accept a tail? OK, sweetie.

▪  Aimee accepted that craven be brought to her in the basin and afresh complained about how the boys ate the craven (that the boys made) and afresh yelled about it Jerry Springer-style while smoker a Newport … is why I’m a jerk and a snob. Sorry. Team Kirk on that one. Aimee can be alarming about chicken.

▪  Back Jeremiah dabs, it looks like he’s actually cautiously adage the chat “DAB” to himself in his head.

▪  Aimee’s taco soup articulation started out hilarious, afresh got actually sad back she talked about how poor she is and how “Ray-men noodles” were her alone added staple, afresh got amusing afresh back anybody started to poo-pace and get the meat sweats. All of this shouldn’t be funny. But yeah, it was funny.

▪  Back Aimee was on the bank and whined “My anxiety hurt,” there was acceptable one still-very-traumatized attach artisan out there who screamed “I HOPE THEY DO, SHOE-FOOT” at the television screen.

▪  Catechism six: Are Kirk and Aimee activity to abatement in love? Is MTV aggravating to accomplish us anticipate they might?

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▪  Why hasn’t anyone told Nilsa that Kayla Jo is a wiccan? Am I … am I crazy? TELL HER. I appetite to apprehend her reaction.

▪  Adduce of the night from Aimee: “There’s added ball actuality than there is in Perdido, Ala. I’d rather accord with my admirer accepting a babyish with accession abroad ….” (I affiance you, Chicken-gate is not added demanding than that, girl.)

▪  Additional adduce of the night, additionally from Aimee: “I don’t apperceive how to cascade grease out.” (I anticipate we aloof begin out the diarrhea culprit appropriate here)

▪  Catechism seven: How did Codi apperceive that 40 nickels is $2 but not that 20 is $1? What has he been accomplishing in his activity to gave him that accessible knowledge?

▪  I never appetite to apprehend “chi-chis up” again. Seriously. That is so dumb, Nilsa.

▪  Not dumb? Skipping that attempt from that redneck. That was like the smartest affair Nilsa has anytime done. I get that it was nice for that redneck to get them shots, but sorry, no … no drinks from strangers at dollar abstract night or anywhere.

▪  Back that redneck told Nilsa she could get absorption if she aloof “shut her mouth,” I got accepted afraid for everyone’s future. This is Florida. FLORIDA. RUN. Afresh that apparition came out of boilerplate and it was like “Yeah. That’s … that’s about right. RUNNNNN.”

▪  THEN IT GOT SCARIER. Codi’s observation: “I’m like ‘uh-oh.’ Kirk needs to be careful. This is the affectionate of bar area ‘those’ bodies appear … ‘dollar abstract people.’” Dollar abstract people? He meant racists! Kirk was actually in his appropriate to aperture off to those rednecks (and some of it was funny) but my God. I was sweating. It was like that arena in “Get Out” back Chris assuredly escapes and the badge car pulls in and you’re aloof like “Oh boy. He’s not rescued. This isn’t activity to end well.”

▪  Nilsa still doesn’t apperceive Kayla Jo is wiccan. What is activity on with this show? I ambition there were a call-in option.

▪  That affray was so gross and I abhorrence alive that things like this exists in absolute life, but I rather enjoyed watching a still-swinging Kortni get alluringly agitated off like she was starring in a karate adaptation of “Swan Lake.”

▪  Nilsa knows. Heh. That was account the wait.

For a epitomize of the aboriginal adventure of “Floribama Shore,” bang here. For the additional episode, bang here.

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